“Talent Wins Games, But Teamwork and Intelligence Wins Championships”
Michael Jordan
As you may know, finances is one of the biggest pain points in a marriage. Consequently, many people have decided to avoid the subject altogether. Unfortunately, not addressing the issue does not make things better, and without intentionality, your dreams and those of your spouse are at risk of not being realized.
One of the most painful thoughts I can imagine is to work your whole life and have nothing to show for it. Certainly, it is not worth such a losss because we are afraid of having a conversation. Below are three tips for talking to your spouse about money.
Choose a Stress-Free Setting
The time and the place is just as important as the content of your discussion. Many times, couples choose to discuss sensitive matters at a time that is not conducive to active listening and healthy communication. If you seek to improve your situation, initiating a discussion about your spouse’s spending may not be best when you are both upset. It take maturity to hold for a better time, but doing so can lead to a more effective outcome.
In addition, allow time for your spouse to prepare for the discussion. For example, rather than saying “I need to talk to you,” you could say, “When you have some time, I would like to run some thoughts by you.” This allows for mental preparation for the discussion ahead. Conversations are tense because people are tense. Remove the tension by choosing a time when both of you are relaxed and ready to listen and create an environment for healthy discussion.
Avoid Placing Blame
If you are really interested in solving the financial challenge or communicating a money issue, heed my advice. DO NOT PLACE BLAME. Doing so puts your spouse on the defensive and causes a derailment. I have been married thirteen years and have made this mistake numerous times. An easy way to avoid placing blame is to make sure you are in the right headspace prior to the discussion (see first point). Secondly, stating facts, not opinions, and being objective are key here. For example:
- Fact: we overspent our spending plan last week
- Opinion: You do not stick to the plan or care about our finances
Listen to Hopes, Dreams and Fears
This is a helpful exercise because it ensures both parties are sharing their thoughts and feeling heard. If time is made for both you and your spouse to discuss hopes, dreams and fears, it is likely the load of burden and anxiety will be released, eventually causing the subject of money to no longer have the power to cause such negative feelings.
Most times, the subject of money is centered around some sort of hope, dream or fear. Taking the time to listen to your spouse express his or her thoughts, no matter how disagreeable they are, is highly effective. The key operative word here is “listen.” Since you are the one reading this article, I am challenging you to be the example, to facilitate the time to listen and create that environment for being heard. You will be surprised at the effectiveness of this exercise.
Set Goals Together
Only after your spouse feels heard are you able to progress towards a constructive outcome. This may not happen immediately, but with enough repetition, the conversation will get to a place where you commit to collaborate on shared goals. The huge challenge here is giving, and not being selfish. What is it that your spouse wants to accomplish? Do you realize that he is likely to be more bought in and committed to the goal if it has meaning?
Your spouse may desire to re-do the kitchen, while you may desire to save for your next rental property. List each other’s personal and shared goals, prioritize and identify those which you will work towards immediately, next and afterwards. There is nothing more special and impactful that setting goals together. Goal-setting means growth.
Commit to Team Work
Work together, prioritize and be a team. In good marriages, spouses truly desire to please each other. Do not exploit this, but recognize that when you give and begin to think selflessly, it can often result in you getting some of your desires too. The key element of this process is teamwork, which means that if you are not doing it as a team, it will not work.
When Shantell and I first got married, we were loaded with student loan debt. Our primary financial goal together was to pay it all off. We laid each of the balances out, paid the smallest one first and continued until we were all done. This process was not entirely fun, but it built so much trust and intimacy in our relationship. Now we feel like we can do anything together!
Repeat
If you have not yet noticed, this article is about teamwork. Teamwork is not a destination, but an ongoing process. This means that it can be improved, repeated and refined. Marriage is dynamic and so are the seasons of our lives. Some seasons are more abundant and others are tighter and more difficult. Goals change and people do. A regular check-in with your spouse is recommended. One last thing:
Make it fun and Celebrate!
Even the small wins. Behavior that is celebrated is often improved. Encourage your spouse. Talk about what is working and lessons learned. Make your wealth-building journey fun and memorable!
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